Letting out the demons.

More often than not, I use this blog in order to post pieces of fiction in the hopes that they will be read and critiqued. I suppose, however, under the circumstances, what I'm about to write could be construed as just another work of fiction, as I have created this mess inside of myself and am allowing it to explode out of me. It is something that has caused me great unrest, something I have fought valiantly, and denied with every living cell in my being.

Every single day, I pine, and pine, and pine, over this man who cannot be obtained. Every time I tell myself I'm going to quit and give up and replace him, I find myself entirely incapable of doing so. It is absurd and impractical, but I love him more than words could ever make clear, and always will until he leaves my life. This has grown into something so inexorably toxic for me, and yet, I don't wish the illness to be cured. I want to be sick with this passion forever. My one wish is, however, that one day, some way, he returns my fervor with a even the slightest shred of emotion.

In truth, I never once believed that things would progress to this level with him, but here I am, tangled in the throes of it all, consumed, devoured. Every second I am left to my own devices, I assure you that he is on my mind. I have tried with such vehemance to deny my feelings, because I know you have said you never wish to love or be loved, you have never once in your time on Earth found a woman who has infatuated you.

I'll never fully understand you, but I'll always do my best to try. I will love you forever, if only you'll let me, and even if you won't, I think I still may. I haven't felt this close to someone in 6 years. You have revived the dead in my sullen bones, and allowed the life to once again run through me. You are the light at the end of the tunnel, my salvation, my greatest hope and joy. If only I could tell you all of this without running you off.

I would give most anything to share my days with you. You are most precious to me, and I will forever be grateful for your presence in my life. I know you have so much going on in your life, but if you ever had a spare moment, I hope you'd think of me.

I miss you terribly when you aren't near. But it terrifies me to even fathom what would happen if I confessed how deeply I care for you. It's not what you want, and I should have known better than to have gotten attached. Even if I shouldn't, I will always be here. It's out of my control. I am driven by something that no human being could possibly be capable of creating or maintaining. It is a love so deadly, a love so pure, a love that will never falter or fail.

I am lost. I wish you'd let me make a home in your arms. Where my heart is...

Zebracakes

My mother once told me that making babies was like making cakes. You had to have the right ingredients at the right time, mix them well, and make sure that they stayed in the oven long enough to come out just the way you wanted them. But I wasn't trying to make a cake. I was just trying to have a good time with the man I loved. Though, by law, I wasn't supposed to love him.

I peeked my head out from under a blanket in the backseat of his coupe Deville.

"How much longer until we're in Chicago?" I asked. Ezra turned slightly from the wheel to look at me.

"Blanche, baby, you gotta stay under that blanket," he warned, "we still got a long ways. We just hit Missouri, after all."

I sank back under the blanket and scowled to myself.

"Well, hurry up, already. We're gonna be hungry soon." I said, smiling as I rubbed my growing belly.

"There's some biscuits my mama made in a basket back there. You go on and help yourself. Just be careful."

"All right."

I slid my pale arm from under the blanket, grabbing a few of the biscuits and quickly gobbling them up.

"Any good?" Ezra asked.

"Why, you know far well I enjoy your mama's cookin'!" I replied, rubbing his dark forearm. I peeked out of the blanket to get a good look at him and his big, bright smile.

"I love you baby," he said.

"Why, I love you, too!" I replied.

"Now, put that pretty arm away. Don't want us to get caught now, do ya?"

"No," I sighed, "I just wish I could touch ya."

"You and me both, Blanche," he said, the smile now faded from his face.

I stared up at the sunlight that beamed through the blanket.

"It's quite hot in here. Might we be able to roll down some windows?" I asked.

"Sure thing."

The breeze hit the tips of my toes, but the sweat still poured down my back.

"Is there any way I can take this darn thing off? It's still too hot." I pulled aside the corner of the blanket to reveal my eyes. Ezra sighed.

"It just ain't safe, baby. I'm sorry."

"Oh, please, darlin'," I insisted, "Can't we find some place cool to relax, at least?"

"I'll try to find somewhere. But the longer we stay on the road, the faster we'll be there."

"That's true. And I do wish to be married."

I examined the ring he'd given me, remembering my Daddy's reaction back in Arkansas when Ezra'd asked for my hand.

"I'm gettin' married!" I rejoiced, showing off the precious ring to my mother. Daddy put down his bottle of whiskey.

"That's lovely, Blanche!" my mother said, "Isn't that just lovely, George?" She asked my Daddy. He came over and snatched my wrist, examining my hand.

"So, you finally agreed to Tommy Stout's proposal?"

I paused, feeling my stomach drop and my heart jump into my throat.

"Well, no," I hesitated, "there was someone else I've been seeing for about three years."

I saw my mother's face flush and my Daddy's contort with confusion.

"Three years? You been seein' someone for three years and didn't tell us nothin' about it?"

My younger brother Georgie smirked, chuckling to himself. Daddy looked at him.

"What's so funny, boy?"

"Nothin'," he lied, winking at me. Daddy turned to me.

"What are you tryin' to hide, Black?" he asked, folding his burly arms. I swallowed hard.

"I don't know."

"Don't you lie to me, girl."

"She's been fooling around with that nigger who works at the dance hall," George interjected. My mother gasped, Daddy's face went red, and I began to sweat.

"Is that so, miss?" he asked, his voice cool, yet furious.

"Daddy, he loves me, I --"

"I don't give a damn. No child of mine's to associate with that abomination of a race. You think I want it gettin' around that my daughter wants to marry a goddamn nigger?"

My lip quivered.

"Daddy, please--"

"You make me sick, child," he snarled, "You ain't marryin' that boy. You're marryin' Tommy Stout, and that's final."

"But I don't love Tommy Stout!" I shouted, "I love Ezra, and so help me, I'll spend my life with him."

"Blanche," my mother interjected.

"Helen, you stay out of this," Daddy snapped. He grabbed my arm and clenched it, "You tell him no, girl."

"I will do no such thing."

"Then, get out," he said.

"George, please don't do this," my mother wailed.

"Don't defend what she does, Helen. Layin' with that filth."

"George! Please don't say that about our daughter."

"Daughter?" he laughed, "I have none."

I glared at him.

"He's right. He doesn't."

I frowned upon recollecting the story, then felt the car come to a halt.

"What's going on Ezra?" I asked. He shut off the engine and stepped out of the car, taking a look around the cool, wooded area in which he'd parked. I peeked out from under the blanket.

"I'd say we're safe. Come on, lemme help you out of that hot car, baby."

I smiled as he cautiously lifted me from it and placed me on the damp ground.

"This is wonderful!" I said, wrapping my arms around his neck. I stood on bare tip-toes and kissed his lips as though it'd been ages. In all honesty, I'm quite sure it had been.

"You hungry?" he asked, stroking my belly.

"Goodness, yes!" I replied.

"Good, me, too. Let's have a quick bite 'fore getting back on the road. I think I've kept you cooped up in that car far too long."

He kissed me again and flashed his big, bright smile, creating a domino effect. Inside, I knew our child smiled, too. He laid a blanket on the dewy grass and urged me to sit. Curtsying, I obliged and sank to the banket, closing my eyes as a cool breeze blew threw my wavy, blonde hair. Ezra placed a cooler onto the blanket and sat across from me.

"And what do we have today, my fine gentleman?" I asked with a smile. Ezra slid his fingers between mine.

"I'd say a banquet, but I fear I'd be lyin'," he said, "but we do got some good stuff."

"Oh?" I asked. He kissed my hand.

"Mmmhmm."

"Do tell!"

He laughed and opened the box.

"It ain't much, but I hope for you and the baby's sale it's enough."

"Well, I'm sure it will be," I said, "though I think he may eat more than I ever could!"

Ezra laughed and handed me a sandwich.

"Eat up. We need to get back on the road, baby."

As darkness fell on the road, I huddled and shivered beneath the blanket. I could feel the temperature drop as we neared the North. Ezra'd closed all the windows, yet I still had trouble feeling my toes.

"You sure you're ready for Chicago?" he asked, "It's mighty cold up there. I hear, sometimes, it gets below zero. And the wind, well, that's another story."

"You know I'd take it just to be with you," I replied, hugging myself to get warm.

"I sometimes wonder why."

I scowled,

"Oh, hush. You know how I love you, Ezra."

"Yes, and I ain't complainin' a bit, missy. I just worry sometimes."

"Why?"

"Well, just the troubles I've brought on you and your family."

I grumbled.

"Oh, what do they know, anyhow?"

"I know how much they mean to you. You can't deny them."

I sighed.

"Yeah, but it just isn't right. Who's to say who we fall in love with? God put us together, 'cuz it was in His plan."

"Shame they don't see that," Ezra replied.

"If they were true Christians, they would."

"Amen," he asserted.

We drove along in silence, but my thoughts could not offer me the company I desired.

"Ezra?"

"Hmm?"

"Could you turn on the radio, please? I'd love to hear some music. If it's not a bother to you."

"No bother, at all," he said, turning on a station. I smiled and sang along with the music. I could sense the joy on Ezra's face as I did so.

"That's my baby," he said to himself, "listen to that voice! You could be a real star in Chicago, Blanche. A real star."

"Oh, hush!" I insisted, blushing. "That's not why we're going there."

"I know," he said, "but it could happen."

I giggled and sang along a bit more. Ezra yawned.

"We need to find a place to pull over or something," he said, "I'm mighty tired."

"Yes," I agreed, "you've been driving for so long. You need some good sleep."

"I'll find a motel."

"How can we make that work?" I asked, sitting up slightly.

"Well, my Daddy once told me, as was once told him, 'where there's a will, there's a way.' And you know, it's true."

"All right," I sighed, biting my lip.

"Besides, I'm not having my pregnant woman sleepin' in the back of this coupe Deville anymore."

"Well, I don't mind so much," I insisted.

"I do. You deserve better."

"So do you."

"I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I don't feel like arguin' with you."

I sighed and closed my heavy eyelids.

"Wake me when we get there."

We lay together in the warmth of the motel room bed. Ezra's large arms encircled my body, his hands gently pressed against my belly. I leaned my head back against his body, nuzzling him. I smiled to myself and envisioned the times to come when our bodies would keep each other warm night after night. I slid my fingers into his and closed my eyes. He kissed the top of my ear and whispered beautiful things to me, lulling me to rest as the moon shone down on us through the grubby window.

"Get up!" a rough voice shouted. My eyes burst open and I felt the blankets pulled from my body. A group of men rushing into the room and pulled me from Ezra.

"What's all this?" He bellowed.

"Oh, you know damn well," a short man snapped as he set his goons on my man. I sat on the edge of the bed, covering myself with a pillow, trembling and speechless.

"Get off me!" Ezra yelled, fending them off of himself with ease.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself, girl," the man said to me, "running off with a nigger with a nigger baby in your belly."

With that, I rose off the bed and slapped him hard across his ugly face.

"Ezra, let's get out of here!" He nodded and quickly slid on his denims. I slid a dress over my head and took his hand. We rushed out of the motel, the goons closely behind us. Ezra opened the car and pushed me inside.

"Go, go, go!" he shouted.

"I'm not leavin' this spot without you," I cried. He took a moment to reflect my words, a poor choice on his behalf. Police swarmed the scene and grabbed him. But my man never went down without a fight. When they tried to cuff him, he pushed them off with great force. I started to get out of the car.

"Blanche, you stay put!" he insisted. I frowned, but obeyed.

While he yelled at me, an officer whacked him hard on the skull, knocking him to the ground. I screamed and rushed out of the car towards the action.

"Stop!" I cried, "Get away from him!"

I attempted to push past the officers, but a woman so far along in pregnancy just can't muster the strength. I watched them kick him and beat him as he tried to break free from their brutality. I just kept screaming and struggling to get to him. Bruised, battered, and bloodied, my Ezra got cuffed and dragged to the squad car. The officer spat.

"You're going away for a while, boy. Time to teach you a lesson. Don't touch our women."

Ezra closed his eyes and his head collapsed against his bare chest. I broke free and rushed to him.

"Don't let 'em hurt you," he whispered, "don't let 'em hurt neither of you."

I bit my lip and reached out for him as they threw him into the back of the car. I called out to him, but he did not look at me. He gently raised his head,

"Wait for me," he whispered. The officer slammed the door of the car and turned to me as I pressed my fingers to the window.

"You best be on your way, miss," he suggested. I glared at him.

"You're scum." I growled. He laughed, shook his head and hopped into the car.

I stood, barefoot, in the middle of the dirt parking lot, watching the squad car kick up dust as it drove off and away from me. A few moments passed until it had faded from sight, leaving only a large cloud of dust as a reminder of what had happened. I examined my engagement ring and place a hand on my giant belly. My sore eyes drifted across the ground, cursing the soil on which the entire ordeal had occurred.

"Some land of the free," I sneered, letting my head fall in defeat.

I looked around me, seeing nothing but the same old dust cloud and a distinct silver glimmering a few feet away on the ground. As the dust cleared, I realized that Ezra's car keys lay on the ground before me. I paused a moment, then picked them up from the dirt. I jingled them between my fingers and examined them with care. I looked over at the car, back at the keys, and then at the cloud of dust that had followed the squad car. Without another thought, I hopped into the car, started it and drove off into the dust.

"Wait for me," I whispered.