Letting out the demons.

More often than not, I use this blog in order to post pieces of fiction in the hopes that they will be read and critiqued. I suppose, however, under the circumstances, what I'm about to write could be construed as just another work of fiction, as I have created this mess inside of myself and am allowing it to explode out of me. It is something that has caused me great unrest, something I have fought valiantly, and denied with every living cell in my being.

Every single day, I pine, and pine, and pine, over this man who cannot be obtained. Every time I tell myself I'm going to quit and give up and replace him, I find myself entirely incapable of doing so. It is absurd and impractical, but I love him more than words could ever make clear, and always will until he leaves my life. This has grown into something so inexorably toxic for me, and yet, I don't wish the illness to be cured. I want to be sick with this passion forever. My one wish is, however, that one day, some way, he returns my fervor with a even the slightest shred of emotion.

In truth, I never once believed that things would progress to this level with him, but here I am, tangled in the throes of it all, consumed, devoured. Every second I am left to my own devices, I assure you that he is on my mind. I have tried with such vehemance to deny my feelings, because I know you have said you never wish to love or be loved, you have never once in your time on Earth found a woman who has infatuated you.

I'll never fully understand you, but I'll always do my best to try. I will love you forever, if only you'll let me, and even if you won't, I think I still may. I haven't felt this close to someone in 6 years. You have revived the dead in my sullen bones, and allowed the life to once again run through me. You are the light at the end of the tunnel, my salvation, my greatest hope and joy. If only I could tell you all of this without running you off.

I would give most anything to share my days with you. You are most precious to me, and I will forever be grateful for your presence in my life. I know you have so much going on in your life, but if you ever had a spare moment, I hope you'd think of me.

I miss you terribly when you aren't near. But it terrifies me to even fathom what would happen if I confessed how deeply I care for you. It's not what you want, and I should have known better than to have gotten attached. Even if I shouldn't, I will always be here. It's out of my control. I am driven by something that no human being could possibly be capable of creating or maintaining. It is a love so deadly, a love so pure, a love that will never falter or fail.

I am lost. I wish you'd let me make a home in your arms. Where my heart is...