So long, and goodnight.

It's really difficult for me to write about this, especially in a public forum, however, under the circumstances, it is a very life altering event that will change me forever. As most of you are aware, I have been very challenged as of late with regards to the twists and turns life offers. I have lost so many things that were precious and vital to my existence, as well as something that I wasn't even aware of until I lost it.

It was late on a Sunday evening, and I had just returned from a movie with my latest [and I suppose now former] flame. As always, I'd had a wonderful time in his presence. My body had been acting somewhat strangely for the past several days, but I thought little of it. Upon arriving to my apartment, I ran up and rushed into the restroom. I was covered in blood from the waist below. Now, I'm not talking menstrual, for all you boys horrifically disgusted at present. I had no idea what was going on. I was in absolutely horrible pain, as well. I was up all night with this affliction, and decided to go to the Clinic down on St. Paul Street the next day to find out what was happening.

I took a pregnancy test and the result was positive. I had an ultrasound and discovered that I had been pregnant, but suffered an early pregnancy loss, at less than six weeks. I had no idea how to react to this. I'd been on birth control for three years. The last period I had before this was barely a day, and I'd noticed some breakthrough bleeding beforehand. My body had grown too accustomed to the hormones, and thus, they ceased to work efficiently.

I went home and tried to take my mind off of things. I wanted to pretend it didn't exist, that it hadn't happened, but I was in too much pain to forget about it. This pain continued for the next 5 days, as well as the bleeding. I spent several nights awake from it, and from being so distraught about my lover not wanting me. My hormones and emotions were on a whirlwind of a roller coaster throughout the duration of this travesty. I ended up getting laid off from my job because they accused me of sleeping on the job. I had a nervous breakdown in the office upon being told this news. I didn't need anything else to be taken from me.

What made matters worse was that, in a matter of days, my lover discarded me, as well. It seems, however, he'd intended to do so for over a month, just never had the gall to say so, directly. I also had to vacate my apartment, due to financial crisis. I had nothing left in the world.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted the baby to have lived. I would have never asked my boyfriend to take any part in its life, though. He has enough to worry about and I wouldn't want to burden him with myself anymore, or our creation. I knew it would have been difficult, but I would have done everything in my power to love and care for that child. After all, it was a part of the man I love so well to this day. There is not one day that passes where I don't think about it. I can't seem to be saddened by it, and brought to tears. If only I had known before it was too late. Maybe I could have saved it. I never imagined that I could want to be a mother. Especially at this point in my life, if ever. But the moment I found out about it, I never wanted anything more.

Last week, my friend John took me downstairs to the morgue to show me a dead fetus. He opened the bag and there it lay, so tiny, only 6oz, curled up and forever asleep in a white knitted blanket with an angel pinned to the side. I stared at it and had to fight the tears with all my might. It broke my heart. For the rest of that day, the thought of it haunted me. I'll confess, it still does.

I wish I'd been more responsible. I wish I'd been able to discover this sooner. I wish I could have saved it. I know, I couldn't have given it the life it deserved, but that doesn't mean someone else couldn't have. My baby, I miss you. I wish I could have done you better. No matter what, I will always love you, even though I never had the chance to hold you.

I will love you forever, my most precious blessing. I'm so sorry...