I have to confess that, regardless of the frame of time that has passed, I am still upset about everything that happened between us. It makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever, and I feel as though I am owed at the very least a proper goodbye and apology. I do not know what I did to merit such disrespect and disregard from this individual. I thought that I dealt nothing but kindness his way, so, why did he just randomly fade from my life?
You have no idea what kind of scars you have left on me. Every last thing I begged you not to do to me, you did. I BEGGED you, and you did them, anyway! How can one heart be so callous to one that has been so pure? I loved you with every bit of my soul, and who knows why. You hardly even acknowledged my existence. I would have laid down my very life for you, and you couldn't even pick up the phone. Funny how this always seems to happen to me. Why couldn't you just tell me you didn't want to see me again? You'd have hurt me, but in a much lesser fashion. Now, I am so unbelievably bitter, jaded, and wounded that it's going to take even longer than the last time for me to trust someone. How could you? After everything I did for you? After all that I gave to you?
My love for you was pure and unconditional. It was consumate and honest on all levels. I wanted to see the world with you, and for some time, I stupidly thought we'd have a chance to take on this great adventure of life as a unit. What a fool I was. You aren't even capable of infatuation. How dare I be so bold as to suggest a journey together? God, I am an idiot. How could I fall so passionately in love with such a confused, apathetic man? You really had me fooled. I honestly believed that you and I fit together - in some sense. Perhaps not romantically, but you were, and remain, a dear friend to me. A dear friend that I think of daily, but will most likely never see again.
It truly pains me to have lost your presence. You have no idea how much you've meant to me in these past five months. You have truly be a beacon of light in my world of constant darkness. That's why you were my Sunshine. I know that there is a good reason you and I crossed paths, even if it was so fleeting. You have no idea the wonderful effect you have had on me, regardless of this exquisite and intolerable pain that I now suffer on your behalf. I have a direction, I have a purpose, I have a cause, and for that, I am grateful to you. You have shown me the beauty in life's spontaneity, in simplicity and reason. You have opened the door to so many extraordinary things for me, and I thank you.
My one wish is that you were still here to watch everything blossom. You have given me the courage that I knew I possessed, but simply needed assistance to bring to life. You are a blessing to me, and I will never regret the beautiful moments in my life that I shared with you. As hurt as I am by what you have done, I love you so greatly. It may not necessarily be of a romantic inclination, but I value you. I see inside of you and know your worth, I know your greatness, your wonderment. It is being suppressed by fear. What astounding potential you possess! I know that it is within you, but you hide behind defense mechanisms to protect yourself from this callous, harsh world. I know you have the capacity to feel, to care, even to love. It only takes kindness and coaxing to procure. I wanted more than anything to be the one to help you let that out and shine. I still have faith in you. There is not a single day that passes where I do not think of you.
I promised you that I would never give up on you, and I will not. You may have forgotten me, ex-communicated me, denounced me from your life, but I'll do no such thing to you in mine. You are precious to me, and if ever you need anything, I will always be here for you. That is the truth. No matter how much pain I suffer from our situation.
I will love you always for what you have helped me realize and achieve. You have no idea how grateful I am for you. I wish you all of the happiness in this world, all of the best luck with your endeavors, and pray that we meet again in this lifetime. It doesn't matter how or why, but you are my dear friend, and I treasure you. I wish you were still present in my life. While I certainly do not need you to find happiness, you did add much needed laughter to my life.
Please, don't be a stranger. My life is truly beautiful, but I'll confess, it's much more fun with people like you in it. I hope you'll return in some way or another. You are amazing, and I will forever think the best of you. Come what may.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
So long, and goodnight.
It's really difficult for me to write about this, especially in a public forum, however, under the circumstances, it is a very life altering event that will change me forever. As most of you are aware, I have been very challenged as of late with regards to the twists and turns life offers. I have lost so many things that were precious and vital to my existence, as well as something that I wasn't even aware of until I lost it.
It was late on a Sunday evening, and I had just returned from a movie with my latest [and I suppose now former] flame. As always, I'd had a wonderful time in his presence. My body had been acting somewhat strangely for the past several days, but I thought little of it. Upon arriving to my apartment, I ran up and rushed into the restroom. I was covered in blood from the waist below. Now, I'm not talking menstrual, for all you boys horrifically disgusted at present. I had no idea what was going on. I was in absolutely horrible pain, as well. I was up all night with this affliction, and decided to go to the Clinic down on St. Paul Street the next day to find out what was happening.
I took a pregnancy test and the result was positive. I had an ultrasound and discovered that I had been pregnant, but suffered an early pregnancy loss, at less than six weeks. I had no idea how to react to this. I'd been on birth control for three years. The last period I had before this was barely a day, and I'd noticed some breakthrough bleeding beforehand. My body had grown too accustomed to the hormones, and thus, they ceased to work efficiently.
I went home and tried to take my mind off of things. I wanted to pretend it didn't exist, that it hadn't happened, but I was in too much pain to forget about it. This pain continued for the next 5 days, as well as the bleeding. I spent several nights awake from it, and from being so distraught about my lover not wanting me. My hormones and emotions were on a whirlwind of a roller coaster throughout the duration of this travesty. I ended up getting laid off from my job because they accused me of sleeping on the job. I had a nervous breakdown in the office upon being told this news. I didn't need anything else to be taken from me.
What made matters worse was that, in a matter of days, my lover discarded me, as well. It seems, however, he'd intended to do so for over a month, just never had the gall to say so, directly. I also had to vacate my apartment, due to financial crisis. I had nothing left in the world.
The more I thought about it, the more I wanted the baby to have lived. I would have never asked my boyfriend to take any part in its life, though. He has enough to worry about and I wouldn't want to burden him with myself anymore, or our creation. I knew it would have been difficult, but I would have done everything in my power to love and care for that child. After all, it was a part of the man I love so well to this day. There is not one day that passes where I don't think about it. I can't seem to be saddened by it, and brought to tears. If only I had known before it was too late. Maybe I could have saved it. I never imagined that I could want to be a mother. Especially at this point in my life, if ever. But the moment I found out about it, I never wanted anything more.
Last week, my friend John took me downstairs to the morgue to show me a dead fetus. He opened the bag and there it lay, so tiny, only 6oz, curled up and forever asleep in a white knitted blanket with an angel pinned to the side. I stared at it and had to fight the tears with all my might. It broke my heart. For the rest of that day, the thought of it haunted me. I'll confess, it still does.
I wish I'd been more responsible. I wish I'd been able to discover this sooner. I wish I could have saved it. I know, I couldn't have given it the life it deserved, but that doesn't mean someone else couldn't have. My baby, I miss you. I wish I could have done you better. No matter what, I will always love you, even though I never had the chance to hold you.
I will love you forever, my most precious blessing. I'm so sorry...
It was late on a Sunday evening, and I had just returned from a movie with my latest [and I suppose now former] flame. As always, I'd had a wonderful time in his presence. My body had been acting somewhat strangely for the past several days, but I thought little of it. Upon arriving to my apartment, I ran up and rushed into the restroom. I was covered in blood from the waist below. Now, I'm not talking menstrual, for all you boys horrifically disgusted at present. I had no idea what was going on. I was in absolutely horrible pain, as well. I was up all night with this affliction, and decided to go to the Clinic down on St. Paul Street the next day to find out what was happening.
I took a pregnancy test and the result was positive. I had an ultrasound and discovered that I had been pregnant, but suffered an early pregnancy loss, at less than six weeks. I had no idea how to react to this. I'd been on birth control for three years. The last period I had before this was barely a day, and I'd noticed some breakthrough bleeding beforehand. My body had grown too accustomed to the hormones, and thus, they ceased to work efficiently.
I went home and tried to take my mind off of things. I wanted to pretend it didn't exist, that it hadn't happened, but I was in too much pain to forget about it. This pain continued for the next 5 days, as well as the bleeding. I spent several nights awake from it, and from being so distraught about my lover not wanting me. My hormones and emotions were on a whirlwind of a roller coaster throughout the duration of this travesty. I ended up getting laid off from my job because they accused me of sleeping on the job. I had a nervous breakdown in the office upon being told this news. I didn't need anything else to be taken from me.
What made matters worse was that, in a matter of days, my lover discarded me, as well. It seems, however, he'd intended to do so for over a month, just never had the gall to say so, directly. I also had to vacate my apartment, due to financial crisis. I had nothing left in the world.
The more I thought about it, the more I wanted the baby to have lived. I would have never asked my boyfriend to take any part in its life, though. He has enough to worry about and I wouldn't want to burden him with myself anymore, or our creation. I knew it would have been difficult, but I would have done everything in my power to love and care for that child. After all, it was a part of the man I love so well to this day. There is not one day that passes where I don't think about it. I can't seem to be saddened by it, and brought to tears. If only I had known before it was too late. Maybe I could have saved it. I never imagined that I could want to be a mother. Especially at this point in my life, if ever. But the moment I found out about it, I never wanted anything more.
Last week, my friend John took me downstairs to the morgue to show me a dead fetus. He opened the bag and there it lay, so tiny, only 6oz, curled up and forever asleep in a white knitted blanket with an angel pinned to the side. I stared at it and had to fight the tears with all my might. It broke my heart. For the rest of that day, the thought of it haunted me. I'll confess, it still does.
I wish I'd been more responsible. I wish I'd been able to discover this sooner. I wish I could have saved it. I know, I couldn't have given it the life it deserved, but that doesn't mean someone else couldn't have. My baby, I miss you. I wish I could have done you better. No matter what, I will always love you, even though I never had the chance to hold you.
I will love you forever, my most precious blessing. I'm so sorry...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
