Right now, I’m basically a room divider when I want to be a brick wall. I don’t want it to be obvious how badly I’ve been hurt. I want to have the upper hand here, I want to look unaffected, unmoved, stronger, bolder, better than ever.
Maybe I’m too naive for my own good - scratch that, I am too naive for my own good. I can’t seem to help it. I am too compassionate and that’s such a downfall for me. I look at the good in every human. I try to understand everyone. I try to accept and forgive, unconditionally. I trust too easily. But then, I see myself get burned. I just don’t have the ability to do the things that others have done to me.
No matter how much I have been hurt by someone, no matter how abused or mistreated, I can’t wish ill on anyone, I can’t retaliate and hurt them back. I think one of my biggest problems is that I give bad people too many chances to prove that they don’t have to behave that way. I keep faith in humanity when humanity failed itself long, long ago. There aren’t many people out there like me anymore. I guess we’re a dying breed, and maybe that’s for the best.
We’re the most easily taken advantage of people, the ones that are too nice for our own good, the ones that will do just about anything for anyone, regardless of who they are. I wish in my heart that I had the ability to be callous and cold and incredibly selfish - and perhaps at times, I can be. But more often than not, I avoid this behavior because it’s not who I truly am. It is the best and worst quality that I possess. The best because of the individual it makes me, the worst because of how easily I allow myself to be abused to assist someone else’s needs.
Nice girls finish last doesn’t even cut it here.
I don’t know what more I can say. Frankly, this all leads back to the fact that men use me and I let them. I’ve tried harder as of late to not let it happen as much, but I fall into their trap every time. It’s absurd to me that I’ve been told by men that I have to prove I’m amazing before they’ll consider me as thus. How about this, you converse with me for ten minutes and see what you think.
I’m not your average female. I’m not even an average individual. If you can’t look beyond the fact that yes, I do have a pretty face, and a nice body, and several orifices and organs that would very well indeed be nice to play with -- but I have a brain and a heart the size of Texas, you aren’t worth my time. I don’t know why I constantly have to defend this about myself. Are you so blind that you can’t see how precious I am? I am, indeed, an anomaly of human creation. You should feel pretty good about yourself if you have someone like me on your side.
If I love you, you’ll never need to doubt it for a moment. If I love you, it’s a bit of a scary thing. It is pure and intense and boundless. It is to be treasured, not neglected. Yet when I love, it is discarded and pushed away faster than I can distribute it. Once you rid yourself of me, you dip your toes into the water and realize that this fish was the best you could ask for. You crawl back, but I won’t have you. As forgiving as I am, I don’t take lovers back. You lose me once, I’m lost forever. Too many have regretted this. I am a bit of a hot commodity.
I’m going to stop now, as I sincerely doubt anyone has read this in its entirety. If you have, my hat’s off to you. In this day and age, it’s difficult to get anyone to read a thing, which is disturbing, but a whole different tangent for me to rant about and I should stop myself now.
I’ll leave saying this:
I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. If you can’t take me as I am, then you aren’t a positive energy that I’d like to have in my life. It should be obvious that I’m to be treasured. After all, I’d never ask you to do anything to prove your worth to me. That’s absurd and inhumane. If I love you, I love you. If I like you, I like you. I would never ask you to change a thing about yourself (unless it’s potentially life threatening). I don’t understand why everyone has to be so demanding. We’re all human, after all. Why expect a demi-god as a lover when you can’t be the very same?
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did read the whole thing, first off. next, until reading your blogs, I had very little understanding as to why i was so irreversibly drawn to you. yes you're pretty but so are thousands of countless others that don't cause me to read every word they have said and is traceable online. More importantly, it really sucks that many people do not feel as intensely about things as we do. it sucks that people don't notice just how much of ourselves goes into the sacrifices that we make for their happiness. that rarely are we thanked for putting others first while we struggle to keep up. I don't claim to know or totally share your life or the experiences that have led you to the perspective that you shared in this blog but I am sorry to have had my own life's experience lead me to many of the same conclusions. sometimes i think the real mind fuck is that if our position was more clearly understood by those around us... we wouldn't be seen as crazy or neurotic at all. you should be rewarded for putting it all on the line time and time again and that reward should be trustworthy and appreciative people in vast quantities surrounding the cataclysm that is your world. I really want to meet you someday. no motive. no game. just hang out and find out where you came from and hopefully tell you visa verse. Until then, be well my new friend in a strangers coat. Sincerely, Jason
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