Swimming Upstream (another from the vault)

Yes, I'm flaky and I'm impractical and I'm idealistic. It's a very rare thing for someone to truly understand me and accept me the way that I am. Far too often, I find that I contradict myself, because I'm too indecisive. Perhaps, even, I sometimes give myself too much credit for things.

I'm just sort of hoping that one day, someone will really get me. Someone will truly understand me. To this day, I haven't actually met anyone (not necessarily speaking about romantic inclinations, friends and passersby as well) who truly understands me. To be quite honest, I don't even understand myself sometimes.

Psychologically, I'm a trainwreck. I've got more issues than National Geographic, and I try to cope with that as best as I possibly can. I take my Lithium, I go to therapy, I do my best to maintain a positive, healthy life - not only physically, but mentally. I'm not always successful, but I do attempt to be.

I know that I can't be perfect, and yet, somewhere in my mind, it feels as though everyone is expecting me to be. I be as good as I can to those around me, so good, that sometimes, I often forget to look out for myself. Or maybe that's a delusion and I'm really not that good. I can't tell anymore.

I know that I have severe trust issues. I know that is something I need to correct. I doubt myself on a constant basis because I can't even seem to trust myself.

It just feels to me like no one has ever really treated me the way I feel I should be treated with consideration to what I have done over and over for others. Life is certainly not fair. I'm not asking for it to be. I just think that I deserve better than what I've been given. All of the abuse and negativity is certainly not proper recompense for the kindness and forgiveness I have offered to the world.

I want keep my faith in human kind. I want to wake up and know that whoever he is loves me and has only eyes for me. But that's my impractical, idealistic side. In truth, no man could ever feel that way for just one woman, could he? I want to be the object of desire, the drive, the passion, the cause. I'd like to feel that I am wanted, needed, desired, and above all, loved.

I want with whom I can laugh with, live with, love with, and never for a moment doubt that those concepts are genuine, honest, and solid. I'm so ridiculously whimsical and unrealistic that I can't fathom why that's not going to happen for me. Not now, maybe never. I wish I had the ability to be more realistic - I truly do. It would make romance and relationships so much easier. I have a poet's soul, and a fish's mind, and there aren't many who would be willing to tolerate it.

I don't know why I get so caught up in the chase of this unobtainable love. I've lost so much faith in the prospect of ever obtaining it that I just get sad and stop believing. In faith, I've grown utterly cynical towards the prospects of romance that I come of as cold and callous when it's biting me in the face. Truly, I'd just like to play the leading lady in one of those everlasting stories. But then, I realize that I'd just be another lie fed to another little girl who sets her heart on something she can never have, because it does not exist.

I'm swimming upstream. I am a red-bellied salmon, yearning to spawn something so unique and precious. I just wish that there was another who understood, and would swim right beside me to help spawn such a thing.